What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 00:07
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
Why do Muslims invade Western society?
Im still living with it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I don,t even have a pension.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What did i know ?
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When she asked me how she looked .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.